InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "You're my chance of a lifetime"

the lady door (door) wrote,
@ 2009-03-11 01:56:00

Entry 6. March

breathe in. breathe out.

a trip outside was meant to be meaningful to be poignant I think because I haven't been outdoors in so so long but it was only meaningful because I gave myself a mission. how ironic that I should find it a comfort to bring the outdoors in for someone else when I scarcely set foot into it. I miss the cloying stink of London below, filling me from the inside out with life with disused time that people above so mindlessly wasted. I could taste their refuse in my lungs all the things they carelessly threw away and discarded so easily. the people too they discarded too easily. they came to us. we were salvation redemption comfort understanding.

here there is nothing but white walls that bleach the colour from my insides and cleanliness. everything in clean rows in tidy timecharts on orderly schedules. the only chaos is that which the patients bring and it is stifled for normalcy. indoctrinated peace. how can I stay here longer and longer and longer have I no self-respect left. what is a saved life that is wasted in this place.

but I am afraid

should have taken more pictures. only these two left now, though I have memories to remember it by. others do not.

some days I wonder if it is a foolish thing to reach out; to long for touch for affection for guidance; to feel. I say with my lips that I wish to recover that I wish for help but my body screams out against it. I don't want to forget what is said to be madness what is merely a miscommunication of clashing cultures a narrowmindedness. it would be persecution but I have let this happen to me. suffocation for safety.

I do not want to die, and the next time I will not have the chance to protect myself.

I remember the blood.

everywhere

so hot, so hot it burned like the sun.

she is dead she is dead she is dead I must stay there is no one to avenge to find

[entry visible to any with access to Door's copy of Mansfield Park (mostly only Dagmar). The page + her doodles can be seen here]